Early Predictions for the USCL

I will take a shot in the dark and guess this years final four. Manhattan Applesauce, Chicago Blaze, Los Angeles Vibe, and New York Knights. I then guess it will be a New York Knights vs Chicago Blaze final, and Chicago Blaze will win for the year.

Emanuel Lasker Announces His...Comeback.

I haven't been dead, I've just been starring in a series on the CW, lmfao, no no no, calm down Leighton Meester I watch Gossip Girl on the reg. So I really was dead for a short time, and in that time I was officially deemed retired I suppose. But I've been sharpening my skills and playing in hell just as much as I was on earth. I just had a really sick game with Osé the Great President of Hell, ruling three legions of demons, I made a huge rook sacrifice to position myself for a win when he turned into a leopard and ripped out my jugular, there goes more rating points, time to take that beast off the "Near Threatened" species list. I sort of miss the civilized world of earth chess, regardless of the effeminate nature of most players over two thousand. So with the wave of retirements at hand, I would like to be the first to announce my come back, a very special unretirement to me. I climbed from the inferno below to throw my hat back in the game, I wouldn't suggest wearing it, it's a steel helmet lined with nails used for torture, I can't wait to get my hands on a 59fifty. I will learn the ways of the internet and practice on this ICC site I keep hearing about, right after I'm done perusing this educational Liz Vicious site...boing. I made my arrival just in time as I hear the seasonal McRib is coming back, I've been dead sixty nine years, of course I want fries with that jackass. It's time for me to teach a lesson to all these new cantankerous and insignificant players, and shut down the Evans Gambit once again. Oh you have a fan-club of five anonymous posters thinking you deserve Game of the Week, I was friends with someone by the name of Albert Einstein, suck my dick, I'm back.

My First Chess Tournament (Death Sword - 400,000,000)

My first chess tournament was such an experience, one I doubt I'll ever forget. Tournament chess has a myriad of rules detailing regulations for every possible dispute or situation one might come across during a chess tournament, like if a caribou accidentally runs in and knocks over your pieces, I read them all and know that caribous have cost a lot of talented chess players GM norms. I remember the ordeal vividly, I did almost everything wrong, I didn't rest, what if I slept too long and missed the tournament. I studied for hours and hours before the tournament, starved myself so I wouldn't have to drop a deuce during a critical move, tried new openings to be creative, getting into positions I wasn't familiar with against FMs. The day couldn't have got any more embarrassing, until my last game, it was against a beautiful woman by the name of Maxine, she was older and had a classic beauty look like Jane Russell. I was only eleven and not really into girls, I'd make out with my babysitters till Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came on and what not, but wasn't a big to do, anyhow, she held out her hand and I nervously shook it. I had an urge to throw her down and jump her, although she was bigger than me. I'm not usually that aggressive, but I could almost smell her sex. To my surprise, she took her clothes off, and we proceeded to make love on the chess board, hitting the clock after each time one of us would finish. She asked how she tasted and I said as beautiful as an early autumn pomegranate wine, to which she said was rather odd and she better schedule a gynecologist appointment. After an hour we agreed on a draw, we held each other, it was a marvelous feeling to lie there, side by side with a lover, after great chess and sex. I impressed her with my spot on Krang impersonation and she promised to keep in touch through her BBS in which she gave me SysOp privileges. She caught me flirting with Violet the barmaid in Legend of the Red Dragon and she ended things, but it was fun while it lasted, and I banged all her friends after. I was too young at the time to go after for child support so even though we weren't at the chess board, I was still eliminating her only counter-play. Chess teaches you a lot, and I recommend everyone to go to as many tournaments as possible.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Its a spooktacular week in the USCL, as all the grisliness is unleashed. Consider me the TMZ of chess, if TMZ stood for TOTAL MACABRE.....um...Zugzwang? Yes I'm here to uncork the haunted facts around the league. Ghoulish fact number one, Carolina lacking funds compare to the rest of the teams made a desperate act in signing their own Cobra mascot to Warner Bros. Studios to act in Snakes on the Plane II, oh the humanity!!!!! What a fiendish move Craig!!

There has always been speculation that Anna Matlin never wanted to play chess, but that the New Jersey Knockouts needed an outstanding board four during the season, the speculation came true when her mother came to visit and Anna proudly showed her the tunnel shes been digging under the Chapel Hill Academy floorboards, muahahaha, the diabolicalness of it all, time to step it up Sean Finn.

Jorge Sammour-Hasbun had a nice win over Giorgi Kacheishvili, everyone took delight on his post thinking it would be about how he won the game with his thoughtful analysis. Instead we were welcomed to a step-by-step demonstration of how a chicken becomes a mcnugget, oh the iniquitousness and vileness of it all!!!

After completing the greatest season in league history, the Nor'easters last game proved to be not all hoorays and highfives (Hoorays and Highfives would make a killer indie band name) as an actual nor'easter struck as they played their last game against Manhatten "we should have thought of a better name" Applesauce. The storm sucked up their parked cars and gently blew them down....in less convenient parking spots, muahahaha how fiendish, you have another five feet to walk Carey Theil, how does the dark-side feel?? Only novelist Paul Sheldon played by James Caan has witnessed such...Misery!!!

Now...lets go back to old actors and frightening tales of mascots, as Eric Rodriguez weeps holding crimson colored fins, as the ghost of police chief Martin Brody aka Roy Schneider laughs in the distance holding a shotgun, how spine-chilling, the sheer sorrow of it all, but think how cool Blas Lugo will look with a shark tooth necklace.

Can you hear it, I can, the shrieking howls and screams coming from Mechanics Chess Club as powerhouse GMs Patrick Wolff, Josh Friedel, and Jesse Kraai are reduced to shocked and shivering victims as they see the prices for their Throw Pillow and Stein at Cafepress, oh what repugnance, online retailers should be informed it's a recession, the bedlam!! Now...lets go back one more time to mascots because I have a bird flu bit to work with.

Now...Tegshsuren Enkhbat became aware that the Bird Flu was back and present when he caught their Kingfisher hunched over the toilet, upchucking for hours. After he held up a thirty day sobriety chip in his wing, Julio Becerra knew not to blame his partying ways in the 80s, when he was a roadie...for Kajagoogoo!!! Oh the scourge, the daunt, the pall!! The Baltimore Kingfishers hang their heads knowing their mascot changed the ending of It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown as Linus van Pelt drops a grenade in Woodstocks nest and runs off crying into the night. Don't think Snoopy won't have his vengeance Ralph Zimmer!! Oh the ruefulness, good grief. It certainly has been one horrifying week in the USCL, and it can be even more terrifying...if you read this more than once looking for meaningfulness or grammar. Happy Halloween everyone!

FUTURE GAME OF THE WEEK - WIM Nalluri Vinuthna vs FM Marcel Martinez

Garry Kasparov vs Veselin Topalov was certainly a beautiful and rewarding game, but I don't think it merits the "immortal" epithet. Familiar and simple themes resonate throughout, king safety, overloading, opening up lines for your opponent and so on;.And Gary just took advantage of this in a brutally ruthless way, as I would expect any class player to do. How it will overshadow future Quarterfinals game between Miami Sharks vs Chicago Blaze where WIM Nalluri Vinuthna destroys FM Marcel Martinez in a match is beyond me.

With a 1:21:19 vs 0:35 time advantage, Nalluri clearly had the game locked up with white, what with fourteen queens on the board and all, but I give Marcel credit for staying calm in such a bad advantage and with extreme time pressure and never conceding until he really thought it was all over. What mounted defense he thought he could put up with a rook, pawn, bishop, and boxed in king is beyond me, but what courage. Congratulations to WIM Nalluri Vinuthna for such a brilliant onslaught, and winning future game of the week.