Its a spooktacular week in the USCL, as all the grisliness is unleashed. Consider me the TMZ of chess, if TMZ stood for TOTAL MACABRE.....um...Zugzwang? Yes I'm here to uncork the haunted facts around the league. Ghoulish fact number one, Carolina lacking funds compare to the rest of the teams made a desperate act in signing their own Cobra mascot to Warner Bros. Studios to act in Snakes on the Plane II, oh the humanity!!!!! What a fiendish move Craig!!
There has always been speculation that Anna Matlin never wanted to play chess, but that the New Jersey Knockouts needed an outstanding board four during the season, the speculation came true when her mother came to visit and Anna proudly showed her the tunnel shes been digging under the Chapel Hill Academy floorboards, muahahaha, the diabolicalness of it all, time to step it up Sean Finn.
Jorge Sammour-Hasbun had a nice win over Giorgi Kacheishvili, everyone took delight on his post thinking it would be about how he won the game with his thoughtful analysis. Instead we were welcomed to a step-by-step demonstration of how a chicken becomes a mcnugget, oh the iniquitousness and vileness of it all!!!
After completing the greatest season in league history, the Nor'easters last game proved to be not all hoorays and highfives (Hoorays and Highfives would make a killer indie band name) as an actual nor'easter struck as they played their last game against Manhatten "we should have thought of a better name" Applesauce. The storm sucked up their parked cars and gently blew them down....in less convenient parking spots, muahahaha how fiendish, you have another five feet to walk Carey Theil, how does the dark-side feel?? Only novelist Paul Sheldon played by James Caan has witnessed such...Misery!!!
Now...lets go back to old actors and frightening tales of mascots, as Eric Rodriguez weeps holding crimson colored fins, as the ghost of police chief Martin Brody aka Roy Schneider laughs in the distance holding a shotgun, how spine-chilling, the sheer sorrow of it all, but think how cool Blas Lugo will look with a shark tooth necklace.
Can you hear it, I can, the shrieking howls and screams coming from Mechanics Chess Club as powerhouse GMs Patrick Wolff, Josh Friedel, and Jesse Kraai are reduced to shocked and shivering victims as they see the prices for their Throw Pillow and Stein at Cafepress, oh what repugnance, online retailers should be informed it's a recession, the bedlam!! Now...lets go back one more time to mascots because I have a bird flu bit to work with.
Now...Tegshsuren Enkhbat became aware that the Bird Flu was back and present when he caught their Kingfisher hunched over the toilet, upchucking for hours. After he held up a thirty day sobriety chip in his wing, Julio Becerra knew not to blame his partying ways in the 80s, when he was a roadie...for Kajagoogoo!!! Oh the scourge, the daunt, the pall!! The Baltimore Kingfishers hang their heads knowing their mascot changed the ending of It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown as Linus van Pelt drops a grenade in Woodstocks nest and runs off crying into the night. Don't think Snoopy won't have his vengeance Ralph Zimmer!! Oh the ruefulness, good grief. It certainly has been one horrifying week in the USCL, and it can be even more terrifying...if you read this more than once looking for meaningfulness or grammar. Happy Halloween everyone!
