Emanuel Lasker Announces His...Comeback.

I haven't been dead, I've just been starring in a series on the CW, lmfao, no no no, calm down Leighton Meester I watch Gossip Girl on the reg. So I really was dead for a short time, and in that time I was officially deemed retired I suppose. But I've been sharpening my skills and playing in hell just as much as I was on earth. I just had a really sick game with Osé the Great President of Hell, ruling three legions of demons, I made a huge rook sacrifice to position myself for a win when he turned into a leopard and ripped out my jugular, there goes more rating points, time to take that beast off the "Near Threatened" species list. I sort of miss the civilized world of earth chess, regardless of the effeminate nature of most players over two thousand. So with the wave of retirements at hand, I would like to be the first to announce my come back, a very special unretirement to me. I climbed from the inferno below to throw my hat back in the game, I wouldn't suggest wearing it, it's a steel helmet lined with nails used for torture, I can't wait to get my hands on a 59fifty. I will learn the ways of the internet and practice on this ICC site I keep hearing about, right after I'm done perusing this educational Liz Vicious site...boing. I made my arrival just in time as I hear the seasonal McRib is coming back, I've been dead sixty nine years, of course I want fries with that jackass. It's time for me to teach a lesson to all these new cantankerous and insignificant players, and shut down the Evans Gambit once again. Oh you have a fan-club of five anonymous posters thinking you deserve Game of the Week, I was friends with someone by the name of Albert Einstein, suck my dick, I'm back.

My First Chess Tournament (Death Sword - 400,000,000)

My first chess tournament was such an experience, one I doubt I'll ever forget. Tournament chess has a myriad of rules detailing regulations for every possible dispute or situation one might come across during a chess tournament, like if a caribou accidentally runs in and knocks over your pieces, I read them all and know that caribous have cost a lot of talented chess players GM norms. I remember the ordeal vividly, I did almost everything wrong, I didn't rest, what if I slept too long and missed the tournament. I studied for hours and hours before the tournament, starved myself so I wouldn't have to drop a deuce during a critical move, tried new openings to be creative, getting into positions I wasn't familiar with against FMs. The day couldn't have got any more embarrassing, until my last game, it was against a beautiful woman by the name of Maxine, she was older and had a classic beauty look like Jane Russell. I was only eleven and not really into girls, I'd make out with my babysitters till Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came on and what not, but wasn't a big to do, anyhow, she held out her hand and I nervously shook it. I had an urge to throw her down and jump her, although she was bigger than me. I'm not usually that aggressive, but I could almost smell her sex. To my surprise, she took her clothes off, and we proceeded to make love on the chess board, hitting the clock after each time one of us would finish. She asked how she tasted and I said as beautiful as an early autumn pomegranate wine, to which she said was rather odd and she better schedule a gynecologist appointment. After an hour we agreed on a draw, we held each other, it was a marvelous feeling to lie there, side by side with a lover, after great chess and sex. I impressed her with my spot on Krang impersonation and she promised to keep in touch through her BBS in which she gave me SysOp privileges. She caught me flirting with Violet the barmaid in Legend of the Red Dragon and she ended things, but it was fun while it lasted, and I banged all her friends after. I was too young at the time to go after for child support so even though we weren't at the chess board, I was still eliminating her only counter-play. Chess teaches you a lot, and I recommend everyone to go to as many tournaments as possible.